My workouts this week have been really tough. I have been experiencing a flip in my daily experience. For quite some time my workouts were the best and easiest part of my day...everything else being a struggle or a long silence. Don't get me wrong. It took me a while to get back into the swing of going to the gym on a daily basis. I started by doing a half hour on the treadmill everyday 5 days a week,then I moved to 7 days a week. Pretty soon I was feeling like that was not enough... I started doing 45 minutes everyday. That was satisfying but I felt like I could do more. So for the last few weeks I have been doing an hour everyday. Four or five miles a day. I can see the change happening in my face... my arms... my tummy. I can feel the change happening in my body and brain. This week however has been different...
This week... I have gotten enough sleep. I am on a creative roll... my days fly by and I am loving my life at home. So leaving for the gym...and a tough run has been less appealing.
They say it takes three days to form a habit and twenty one days to break one. I find that to be roughly true. I am definitely addicted to moving. More so than anything else... I feel high for hours after I walk or run or dance. This week has been a challenge though, I have been fighting myself. Just when I felt I was in a groove the tests...they came.
I have been realizing how closely my daily saga before the gym matches my life saga. It goes a little something like this. I start realizing I need to go to the gym today... the afternoon wares on. About 2 pm I start thinking I should go before the gym gets crowded and there is no parking. I have a moment of excitement and motivation knowing that I will be doing something great for myself and that I will be feeling incredible afterward, followed by an hour of resistance and exhaustion.
I start to say either to myself or to Justin that maybe I will give myself a break today... I am tired, I have been working hard or I don't feel well, then either out loud or in my mind I start to argue with myself. I realize how much better I will feel if I just do it. I never regret actually going... it is the not going that I regret.
Now...here is the best part. Lately... I end up going. Everyday. Even though I have to go through that whole process. Everyday. I go.
I realize that I am accountable to me. Only me. I realize that this act of going and fighting through discomfort and stress and exhaustion is truly the best part of my day. It is a way for me to triumph everyday. It is a daily reminder that I am important to me and it is a practice of learning to trust myself again. These are lessons I need. The simple daily act of working out for an hour is transforming my body... my mind and my life. It is my religion. It does not afford me the opportunity to flake out. The only one to suffer if I do that is me and I finally understand that in a very real way.
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