Hi Daddy,
I was just remembering all the Fathers Days I spent dreading the call. I used to time my call so I wouldn't get you at specific times...so you might even be asleep. I was afraid I would get you after too many drinks, that the conversation would be...well difficult. There are even probably some that I missed... when I did not call. Out of anger or fear. Now I can't call, so I am writing. I can think of a lot of things I should have done. That I wish I had done. However, I know you would not want me to dwell on that now. How things ended, how they began and the magic parts along the way, that is what should remain.
Mostly I am left feeling like I learned a difficult lesson that honestly I think we are never done learning. To remember, even and especially when it is most difficult, to give thanks for the life we have been blessed with and those that are intrinsic to it. You were the biggest knot to untie for me...the bumpiest ride...the brightest light...the longest day and the shortest life. I wish it did not take the loss of you for me to understand what we could have shared and that the past and the anger didn't really matter. In the end when it was just you and me, it was like I was little again.We were as we had been and I was grateful for that. I feel so blessed that you let me take care of you in the end. Other than life it was the best gift you could have given me.
I watched my brother with his beautiful daughter this week and it made me think so much of you. He has your sparkle and laugh...your sense of fun and his daughter thinks he is the biggest star in the sky. He too has learned his own lessons from you. So even though sometimes it was hard won... you taught us so much. For everything and the fact of you... for the joy and soul you gave us and for everything in between. I love you with all my heart, I miss you all the time and Happy Fathers Day!
Annie Pie Lamb
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Actualization And Purpose
Over the last year or so due to many lifestyle changes both physical and mental I have become a much healthier person. I have had many realizations over time that the more I embrace and respect my true and unique self and love and reveal that self openly...that my life becomes more and more full and more and more beautiful. One of these realizations, although a reluctant one, has been that in my own way... I am a leader.
I have it in me to effect change and inspiration in others through the true expression of my own experiences, my life and my personal energy. I spent many years shrugging off that knowledge. I did not want the responsibility for other peoples lives, choices or experiences. Out of fear of failing...caring too much or losing myself. This was partly due to the fact that even given my wealth of personal knowledge and instinctual openness I felt like "who am I to help others as I struggle on my own path"?
What I realize now is that even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I am where I should be or even that I know where I am going...it is not the outcome or destination that really counts. It is how you get there. Not only to survive things but to learn and incorporate everything into your present being. I am really good at finding a way out of a maze... I can always find ways to learn. I have eternal hope and faith and I have retained this essential part of my character through all of my own hardships. I know that there are many other people who are struggling where I have been... or who lack a sense that life is a meaningful adventure.
My own modesty or maybe fear that what I have to say will not be interesting to others or might be too simple or irrelevant is no longer a block in my brain. Now I seek ways to share what I have lived...what I see...what I feel...and not only my triumphs but my stumbles which in the end have only made me stronger and more able. I think this is one thing that is special about me. It is what I can offer to others. I don't profess to have all or even any of the answers but I am pretty good at helping people to unwind the knots in their minds...souls... or lives. I love doing it. It makes me feel alive and full of purpose.
I have opened myself to this personal truth. I am seeking ways to fulfill it. I no longer reject the inclination to lead or the requests of others for me to do so... and I am inspired to share what I have now to be all that I am entirely in this life and help others to do the same.
Love pure and simple has always been at the root of purpose for me and my interactions with others. I do not seek to win, to distance, to hurt to be superior or to prove. I only seek to connect, to enjoy, to love and to inspire and be inspired. I am usually not guarded in situations, well my nature is not to be. I always expect good things. That is not always an easy way to live in this world. I have many times been hurt myself or disappointed by those tendencies in others. This is not to say that I have never hurt anyone or put up a wall at times or been afraid. As thick as my skin seems I am hurt quite easily. Especially by those I respect. What I have learned though, is that those things as frustrating as they are are never personal. They are someone else's shields, wounds or insecurities.
As people we bounce off of each other and we can choose to absorb that kind of energy or to deflect it. This life is ours to live. We truly can make it what we want it to be. That is very difficult when the consideration of others feelings is at stake but we can only do what in our hearts we feel to be right. Conflicted or not it is impossible not to know somewhere inside what that right thing is. We always know. We just get confused by all our options and the opinions of those we trust who have good intentions but whose personal experiences, perceptions and filters cannot give us an answer that fits our self.
I am searching... that is in my nature. I know most people want you to be able to tell them "what you do" or "what are your goals"...or "What are your plans"? Well, I am constantly experiencing, growing, learning, processing, creating, and loving. That is what I do... I know there is not much value for that to many people especially in our culture. That way of being/living does not really involve "things" or specific structure or nutshell phrases. I have many goals. Most of which involve experiencing,evolving, giving, serving and fighting for the helpless, confused or suffering and speaking and sharing my truth and the truths of those who have no voice.... Hard things to explain quickly to people. I know that in our culture that sounds ridiculous or like a luxury to a lot of folks. It is not a luxury to be compelled to be this way...it is a struggle that carries with it inherent responsibilities. I embrace that wholeheartedly now. It is simply who I am.
A. Lamb 6/2011
I have it in me to effect change and inspiration in others through the true expression of my own experiences, my life and my personal energy. I spent many years shrugging off that knowledge. I did not want the responsibility for other peoples lives, choices or experiences. Out of fear of failing...caring too much or losing myself. This was partly due to the fact that even given my wealth of personal knowledge and instinctual openness I felt like "who am I to help others as I struggle on my own path"?
What I realize now is that even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I am where I should be or even that I know where I am going...it is not the outcome or destination that really counts. It is how you get there. Not only to survive things but to learn and incorporate everything into your present being. I am really good at finding a way out of a maze... I can always find ways to learn. I have eternal hope and faith and I have retained this essential part of my character through all of my own hardships. I know that there are many other people who are struggling where I have been... or who lack a sense that life is a meaningful adventure.
My own modesty or maybe fear that what I have to say will not be interesting to others or might be too simple or irrelevant is no longer a block in my brain. Now I seek ways to share what I have lived...what I see...what I feel...and not only my triumphs but my stumbles which in the end have only made me stronger and more able. I think this is one thing that is special about me. It is what I can offer to others. I don't profess to have all or even any of the answers but I am pretty good at helping people to unwind the knots in their minds...souls... or lives. I love doing it. It makes me feel alive and full of purpose.
I have opened myself to this personal truth. I am seeking ways to fulfill it. I no longer reject the inclination to lead or the requests of others for me to do so... and I am inspired to share what I have now to be all that I am entirely in this life and help others to do the same.
Love pure and simple has always been at the root of purpose for me and my interactions with others. I do not seek to win, to distance, to hurt to be superior or to prove. I only seek to connect, to enjoy, to love and to inspire and be inspired. I am usually not guarded in situations, well my nature is not to be. I always expect good things. That is not always an easy way to live in this world. I have many times been hurt myself or disappointed by those tendencies in others. This is not to say that I have never hurt anyone or put up a wall at times or been afraid. As thick as my skin seems I am hurt quite easily. Especially by those I respect. What I have learned though, is that those things as frustrating as they are are never personal. They are someone else's shields, wounds or insecurities.
As people we bounce off of each other and we can choose to absorb that kind of energy or to deflect it. This life is ours to live. We truly can make it what we want it to be. That is very difficult when the consideration of others feelings is at stake but we can only do what in our hearts we feel to be right. Conflicted or not it is impossible not to know somewhere inside what that right thing is. We always know. We just get confused by all our options and the opinions of those we trust who have good intentions but whose personal experiences, perceptions and filters cannot give us an answer that fits our self.
I am searching... that is in my nature. I know most people want you to be able to tell them "what you do" or "what are your goals"...or "What are your plans"? Well, I am constantly experiencing, growing, learning, processing, creating, and loving. That is what I do... I know there is not much value for that to many people especially in our culture. That way of being/living does not really involve "things" or specific structure or nutshell phrases. I have many goals. Most of which involve experiencing,evolving, giving, serving and fighting for the helpless, confused or suffering and speaking and sharing my truth and the truths of those who have no voice.... Hard things to explain quickly to people. I know that in our culture that sounds ridiculous or like a luxury to a lot of folks. It is not a luxury to be compelled to be this way...it is a struggle that carries with it inherent responsibilities. I embrace that wholeheartedly now. It is simply who I am.
A. Lamb 6/2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Reflection On The Death Of Osama
I just have to say...in this time of change and theories, catharsis and even sadness...I am bothered by the oversimplification and all the assumptive, presumptuous, and overly idealistic attitudes some people are expressing. I do not agree that we should party over the killing of anyone, or that that death is the answer to the problems we face...(they would have much rather brought Osama in alive, yet that was not what he was going to allow...I am sure) but anyone with any intelligence knows that the catharsis and reaction many people are having is about so much more than that.
Those of us who have not lost someone or many people in this last ten years to terrorism and war, or have not lived under that kind of oppression can have our ideas and feelings about this, but we know far too little about this...both politically and personally to be telling other people how they should feel. There are many sides to this story. Let us not forget what this man's life was dedicated to. That he essentially chose how he would die being dedicated as he was to his own beliefs. That any human life not in line with his system of belief was worthless. He actively participated in the destruction of that life and perpetuated that belief system. We should be working toward peace always...however, though I am not throwing a party or lighting off fire works and popping champagne... I will not be sad that this man is gone. I am glad for the relief of those who have suffered and that there will be less suffering hereafter on his account. Of course we must be aware that this is not over and of course the desire is for a peaceful world. Let us be careful though...not to martyr this man inadvertently in our idealistic quests for "peace". For that is what he wanted. To die a martyr. He lived by the gun and he died by the gun. That was his choosing.
As I was thinking about all of this last night...I could not help but think about World War II and Hitler. Would people be so cavalier as to tell those who survived the concentration camps and/or lost family or friends under Hitler not to rejoice in the death of that man? I cannot imagine the nerve that would take.
Everyone has a right to their own perceptions and in this country...to express those perceptions. Let us try to remember not to be divorced though... from the reality that often conflicts with our high ideals.
There are always those who get swept up in the mob but I think for the most part most people were relieved and glad to have that part of our consciousness behind us and that in some small way the symbol and face of incalculable pain is no more.
I do not believe (this is just my own perspective talking) that the reactions most people are having are about the killing as much as the fact that Osama no longer exists. I believe that had they brought him in alive there would have been as much celebrating. Would there be as much criticism of those who felt relief that this man was no longer in a place of power and could be released from our collective consciousness? That is something to think about. We should not rejoice in killing ever... however are we obligated to mourn the passing of every human life? I am pretty sure the answer is no. Even if you are a pacifist or desire peace... You do not have to deny the human reaction of relief or joy to the end of a period of devastation caused in large part by this man. Death is part of life...the life that Osama chose was all about death.
People are not perfect and no one has all the answers. Our human emotions and psyches are far more complex than simple sayings or idealistic beliefs can encompass...especially when grief and loss and persecution are at play.
We should also not loose sight of the fact that this mans death is not the end of the terror he bred. There are many who followed him and who stand now in his place. We need to deal with the reality of these problems as well as our ideals. I believe that that is possible. Just remember that compassion is complex and involves understanding people and emotions on a multi dimensional level. Judging people for their sincere emotions is not in line with peace either. We must remember that we all have our own multi layered filters that can feel right to us but that do not fit the reality of other peoples experiences. I think...true compassion and conflict resolution...absolutely stems from a real understanding and respect for that.
We need to look at everything as truthfully as possible and try to learn something from it. Even the things we can't bear to look at. For it is all part of life. Worldwide peace is a lovely ideal. It has never existed in our recorded history. It appears to go against our human nature. I do not know if I believe it is truly possible, however if it is to exist, everyone must keep open eyes and an open mind and a willingness to try to understand the suffering and reactions of others.
Angela Lamb 5/2/2011
Those of us who have not lost someone or many people in this last ten years to terrorism and war, or have not lived under that kind of oppression can have our ideas and feelings about this, but we know far too little about this...both politically and personally to be telling other people how they should feel. There are many sides to this story. Let us not forget what this man's life was dedicated to. That he essentially chose how he would die being dedicated as he was to his own beliefs. That any human life not in line with his system of belief was worthless. He actively participated in the destruction of that life and perpetuated that belief system. We should be working toward peace always...however, though I am not throwing a party or lighting off fire works and popping champagne... I will not be sad that this man is gone. I am glad for the relief of those who have suffered and that there will be less suffering hereafter on his account. Of course we must be aware that this is not over and of course the desire is for a peaceful world. Let us be careful though...not to martyr this man inadvertently in our idealistic quests for "peace". For that is what he wanted. To die a martyr. He lived by the gun and he died by the gun. That was his choosing.
As I was thinking about all of this last night...I could not help but think about World War II and Hitler. Would people be so cavalier as to tell those who survived the concentration camps and/or lost family or friends under Hitler not to rejoice in the death of that man? I cannot imagine the nerve that would take.
Everyone has a right to their own perceptions and in this country...to express those perceptions. Let us try to remember not to be divorced though... from the reality that often conflicts with our high ideals.
There are always those who get swept up in the mob but I think for the most part most people were relieved and glad to have that part of our consciousness behind us and that in some small way the symbol and face of incalculable pain is no more.
I do not believe (this is just my own perspective talking) that the reactions most people are having are about the killing as much as the fact that Osama no longer exists. I believe that had they brought him in alive there would have been as much celebrating. Would there be as much criticism of those who felt relief that this man was no longer in a place of power and could be released from our collective consciousness? That is something to think about. We should not rejoice in killing ever... however are we obligated to mourn the passing of every human life? I am pretty sure the answer is no. Even if you are a pacifist or desire peace... You do not have to deny the human reaction of relief or joy to the end of a period of devastation caused in large part by this man. Death is part of life...the life that Osama chose was all about death.
People are not perfect and no one has all the answers. Our human emotions and psyches are far more complex than simple sayings or idealistic beliefs can encompass...especially when grief and loss and persecution are at play.
We should also not loose sight of the fact that this mans death is not the end of the terror he bred. There are many who followed him and who stand now in his place. We need to deal with the reality of these problems as well as our ideals. I believe that that is possible. Just remember that compassion is complex and involves understanding people and emotions on a multi dimensional level. Judging people for their sincere emotions is not in line with peace either. We must remember that we all have our own multi layered filters that can feel right to us but that do not fit the reality of other peoples experiences. I think...true compassion and conflict resolution...absolutely stems from a real understanding and respect for that.
We need to look at everything as truthfully as possible and try to learn something from it. Even the things we can't bear to look at. For it is all part of life. Worldwide peace is a lovely ideal. It has never existed in our recorded history. It appears to go against our human nature. I do not know if I believe it is truly possible, however if it is to exist, everyone must keep open eyes and an open mind and a willingness to try to understand the suffering and reactions of others.
Angela Lamb 5/2/2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tyburn
Longest
Brightest
Strongest
Rightest
Always bringing hope when you return
Inspiring in me a fire that burns
A.Lamb 4/26/2011
Brightest
Strongest
Rightest
Always bringing hope when you return
Inspiring in me a fire that burns
A.Lamb 4/26/2011
Free Verse
The light came through
the window
behind your head
dwindling towards the sea
I sat eating
you watched me
and handed me a napkin
We sat in silence
A smile spread
across your lips
I thought
Happiness could be nothing more
than
this moment.
A. Lamb 4/26/2011
the window
behind your head
dwindling towards the sea
I sat eating
you watched me
and handed me a napkin
We sat in silence
A smile spread
across your lips
I thought
Happiness could be nothing more
than
this moment.
A. Lamb 4/26/2011
Daemon
I wonder sometimes where the words get stuck. Days and hours and even years can go by in that purgatory place. The wall around the moat around brilliance is impenetrable until one day when I am sitting on the hillside throwing rocks into a river. The bridge comes down and like knights riding into crusade...the words come flying at me. Not at me really, more like, through me.
I don't even think the meaning and concepts are my own. They definitely get filtered through me. The ideas, even the words are translated on their journey through my brain... and body. I would liken it to a possession. In that moment, I cannot do anything but write. Maybe its more like sneezing. Your body cannot do anything else when it is sneezing. I feel a surge of adrenaline and a flash of knowing. I believe in that moment I am pulling from a larger consciousness a language I subconsciously understand or a puzzle piece that fits. Those moments have happened to me many times in my life.
I know that I should recognize how lucky I am to have had even one moment like that. The problem is that they don't occur very often. I cannot make a moment like that happen, and believe me I have tried. A very specific constellation of ingredients has to be in place. That is why its so rare.
A. Lamb 4/2011
I don't even think the meaning and concepts are my own. They definitely get filtered through me. The ideas, even the words are translated on their journey through my brain... and body. I would liken it to a possession. In that moment, I cannot do anything but write. Maybe its more like sneezing. Your body cannot do anything else when it is sneezing. I feel a surge of adrenaline and a flash of knowing. I believe in that moment I am pulling from a larger consciousness a language I subconsciously understand or a puzzle piece that fits. Those moments have happened to me many times in my life.
I know that I should recognize how lucky I am to have had even one moment like that. The problem is that they don't occur very often. I cannot make a moment like that happen, and believe me I have tried. A very specific constellation of ingredients has to be in place. That is why its so rare.
A. Lamb 4/2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
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