Hi Daddy,
I was just remembering all the Fathers Days I spent dreading the call. I used to time my call so I wouldn't get you at specific times...so you might even be asleep. I was afraid I would get you after too many drinks, that the conversation would be...well difficult. There are even probably some that I missed... when I did not call. Out of anger or fear. Now I can't call, so I am writing. I can think of a lot of things I should have done. That I wish I had done. However, I know you would not want me to dwell on that now. How things ended, how they began and the magic parts along the way, that is what should remain.
Mostly I am left feeling like I learned a difficult lesson that honestly I think we are never done learning. To remember, even and especially when it is most difficult, to give thanks for the life we have been blessed with and those that are intrinsic to it. You were the biggest knot to untie for me...the bumpiest ride...the brightest light...the longest day and the shortest life. I wish it did not take the loss of you for me to understand what we could have shared and that the past and the anger didn't really matter. In the end when it was just you and me, it was like I was little again.We were as we had been and I was grateful for that. I feel so blessed that you let me take care of you in the end. Other than life it was the best gift you could have given me.
I watched my brother with his beautiful daughter this week and it made me think so much of you. He has your sparkle and laugh...your sense of fun and his daughter thinks he is the biggest star in the sky. He too has learned his own lessons from you. So even though sometimes it was hard won... you taught us so much. For everything and the fact of you... for the joy and soul you gave us and for everything in between. I love you with all my heart, I miss you all the time and Happy Fathers Day!
Annie Pie Lamb
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Actualization And Purpose
Over the last year or so due to many lifestyle changes both physical and mental I have become a much healthier person. I have had many realizations over time that the more I embrace and respect my true and unique self and love and reveal that self openly...that my life becomes more and more full and more and more beautiful. One of these realizations, although a reluctant one, has been that in my own way... I am a leader.
I have it in me to effect change and inspiration in others through the true expression of my own experiences, my life and my personal energy. I spent many years shrugging off that knowledge. I did not want the responsibility for other peoples lives, choices or experiences. Out of fear of failing...caring too much or losing myself. This was partly due to the fact that even given my wealth of personal knowledge and instinctual openness I felt like "who am I to help others as I struggle on my own path"?
What I realize now is that even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I am where I should be or even that I know where I am going...it is not the outcome or destination that really counts. It is how you get there. Not only to survive things but to learn and incorporate everything into your present being. I am really good at finding a way out of a maze... I can always find ways to learn. I have eternal hope and faith and I have retained this essential part of my character through all of my own hardships. I know that there are many other people who are struggling where I have been... or who lack a sense that life is a meaningful adventure.
My own modesty or maybe fear that what I have to say will not be interesting to others or might be too simple or irrelevant is no longer a block in my brain. Now I seek ways to share what I have lived...what I see...what I feel...and not only my triumphs but my stumbles which in the end have only made me stronger and more able. I think this is one thing that is special about me. It is what I can offer to others. I don't profess to have all or even any of the answers but I am pretty good at helping people to unwind the knots in their minds...souls... or lives. I love doing it. It makes me feel alive and full of purpose.
I have opened myself to this personal truth. I am seeking ways to fulfill it. I no longer reject the inclination to lead or the requests of others for me to do so... and I am inspired to share what I have now to be all that I am entirely in this life and help others to do the same.
Love pure and simple has always been at the root of purpose for me and my interactions with others. I do not seek to win, to distance, to hurt to be superior or to prove. I only seek to connect, to enjoy, to love and to inspire and be inspired. I am usually not guarded in situations, well my nature is not to be. I always expect good things. That is not always an easy way to live in this world. I have many times been hurt myself or disappointed by those tendencies in others. This is not to say that I have never hurt anyone or put up a wall at times or been afraid. As thick as my skin seems I am hurt quite easily. Especially by those I respect. What I have learned though, is that those things as frustrating as they are are never personal. They are someone else's shields, wounds or insecurities.
As people we bounce off of each other and we can choose to absorb that kind of energy or to deflect it. This life is ours to live. We truly can make it what we want it to be. That is very difficult when the consideration of others feelings is at stake but we can only do what in our hearts we feel to be right. Conflicted or not it is impossible not to know somewhere inside what that right thing is. We always know. We just get confused by all our options and the opinions of those we trust who have good intentions but whose personal experiences, perceptions and filters cannot give us an answer that fits our self.
I am searching... that is in my nature. I know most people want you to be able to tell them "what you do" or "what are your goals"...or "What are your plans"? Well, I am constantly experiencing, growing, learning, processing, creating, and loving. That is what I do... I know there is not much value for that to many people especially in our culture. That way of being/living does not really involve "things" or specific structure or nutshell phrases. I have many goals. Most of which involve experiencing,evolving, giving, serving and fighting for the helpless, confused or suffering and speaking and sharing my truth and the truths of those who have no voice.... Hard things to explain quickly to people. I know that in our culture that sounds ridiculous or like a luxury to a lot of folks. It is not a luxury to be compelled to be this way...it is a struggle that carries with it inherent responsibilities. I embrace that wholeheartedly now. It is simply who I am.
A. Lamb 6/2011
I have it in me to effect change and inspiration in others through the true expression of my own experiences, my life and my personal energy. I spent many years shrugging off that knowledge. I did not want the responsibility for other peoples lives, choices or experiences. Out of fear of failing...caring too much or losing myself. This was partly due to the fact that even given my wealth of personal knowledge and instinctual openness I felt like "who am I to help others as I struggle on my own path"?
What I realize now is that even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I am where I should be or even that I know where I am going...it is not the outcome or destination that really counts. It is how you get there. Not only to survive things but to learn and incorporate everything into your present being. I am really good at finding a way out of a maze... I can always find ways to learn. I have eternal hope and faith and I have retained this essential part of my character through all of my own hardships. I know that there are many other people who are struggling where I have been... or who lack a sense that life is a meaningful adventure.
My own modesty or maybe fear that what I have to say will not be interesting to others or might be too simple or irrelevant is no longer a block in my brain. Now I seek ways to share what I have lived...what I see...what I feel...and not only my triumphs but my stumbles which in the end have only made me stronger and more able. I think this is one thing that is special about me. It is what I can offer to others. I don't profess to have all or even any of the answers but I am pretty good at helping people to unwind the knots in their minds...souls... or lives. I love doing it. It makes me feel alive and full of purpose.
I have opened myself to this personal truth. I am seeking ways to fulfill it. I no longer reject the inclination to lead or the requests of others for me to do so... and I am inspired to share what I have now to be all that I am entirely in this life and help others to do the same.
Love pure and simple has always been at the root of purpose for me and my interactions with others. I do not seek to win, to distance, to hurt to be superior or to prove. I only seek to connect, to enjoy, to love and to inspire and be inspired. I am usually not guarded in situations, well my nature is not to be. I always expect good things. That is not always an easy way to live in this world. I have many times been hurt myself or disappointed by those tendencies in others. This is not to say that I have never hurt anyone or put up a wall at times or been afraid. As thick as my skin seems I am hurt quite easily. Especially by those I respect. What I have learned though, is that those things as frustrating as they are are never personal. They are someone else's shields, wounds or insecurities.
As people we bounce off of each other and we can choose to absorb that kind of energy or to deflect it. This life is ours to live. We truly can make it what we want it to be. That is very difficult when the consideration of others feelings is at stake but we can only do what in our hearts we feel to be right. Conflicted or not it is impossible not to know somewhere inside what that right thing is. We always know. We just get confused by all our options and the opinions of those we trust who have good intentions but whose personal experiences, perceptions and filters cannot give us an answer that fits our self.
I am searching... that is in my nature. I know most people want you to be able to tell them "what you do" or "what are your goals"...or "What are your plans"? Well, I am constantly experiencing, growing, learning, processing, creating, and loving. That is what I do... I know there is not much value for that to many people especially in our culture. That way of being/living does not really involve "things" or specific structure or nutshell phrases. I have many goals. Most of which involve experiencing,evolving, giving, serving and fighting for the helpless, confused or suffering and speaking and sharing my truth and the truths of those who have no voice.... Hard things to explain quickly to people. I know that in our culture that sounds ridiculous or like a luxury to a lot of folks. It is not a luxury to be compelled to be this way...it is a struggle that carries with it inherent responsibilities. I embrace that wholeheartedly now. It is simply who I am.
A. Lamb 6/2011
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